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Coming out about depression

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Depression
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Dominic Stevenson's battle with depression
<h2> Coming out about depression</h2><p>By Dominic Stevenson</p><p>It was like fighting a battle from within the castle walls.&nbsp; I&nbsp;worked for the NHS and I was diagnosed with depression.</p><p><img alt="" src="/sites/default/files/dom_window.jpg" style="margin: 20px; width: 300px; float: left; height: 388px" />Looking back now, I think there had been a problem for a long time. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes">&nbsp;</span>My temper was too short and occasionally uncontrollable but having been at university for several years, the people who knew me best couldn&rsquo;t see this. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes">&nbsp;</span>They weren&rsquo;t able to see what I was like because when I went home for the holidays I managed to mask it.</p><p>It came to a head when I went abroad to volunteer with young children who had been trafficked into different countries and rescued. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes">&nbsp;</span>I felt that I had seen evil, pure unadulterated evil and it enveloped everything.</p><h2> Blackness descending</h2><p>When I got back to England I shut myself away and decided I wanted to change the world, to make it a better place but the more I felt like that, the more it consumed me and crippled me to the point where I couldn&rsquo;t leave my bedroom. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes">&nbsp;</span>After a year and a half I moved back to my home town where I ended up working for the NHS.</p><p>When I was first diagnosed with depression I was referred to the local cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) centre. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes">&nbsp;</span>As the NHS trusts PR officer, it was my job to promote the centre and now I was faced with being a service user.</p><h2> Coming out</h2><p>Before my first session I decided to confide in my boss, I wanted to speak to my family but I didn&rsquo;t <img alt="" src="/sites/default/files/dom_work-1.jpg" style="margin: 20px; width: 300px; float: right; height: 201px" />know how. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes">&nbsp;</span>My sister was training as a psychologist and I didn&rsquo;t want to burden her and although I knew my parents would understand, I still wanted to hide it so that I didn&rsquo;t upset them.</p><p>When I told my boss she just hugged me and then drove me to my first session, waited outside and then took me home. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes">&nbsp;</span>I felt like I had found someone who would support me throughout whatever I was embarking on. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes">&nbsp;</span>She drove me to all of my sessions and always called me afterwards to see how it had gone.</p><h2> The rise and fall of recovery</h2><p>As time went by I made tentative steps on the road to something like a recovery but every so often I would fall and I would fall harder than ever before. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes">&nbsp;</span>I turned on myself and those who love me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes">&nbsp;</span>Eventually I confided in a few more friends at the organisation at which I worked and they were all equally as accepting but it felt to me like I was under the microscope and I couldn&rsquo;t help regretting doing so.</p><p>I didn&rsquo;t gain much from the CBT, maybe it was the over familiarity with the people treating me or maybe it was because I have an A-level in psychology and so thought I knew it all.</p><p>In the months that followed me starting the sessions I began to turn on my boss and focus any negativity at her, I felt that she was my best friend, my rock and could never turn her back. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes">&nbsp;</span>For my eternal benefit and her eternal credit she never did but it dragged her down and she couldn&rsquo;t take it anymore.<o:p></o:p></p><h2> Walking a tightrope</h2><p>I left my job and moved to <st1:city><st1:place>London</st1:place></st1:city> to move in with a friend and find a job. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes">&nbsp;</span>Shortly after moving in though, I found my flat mate hanging by a rope in the kitchen. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes">&nbsp;</span>I cut her down and carried her to hospital and then broke down. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes">&nbsp;</span>It showed me more clearly than ever before that I was walking a tightrope and one false move, however incidental, by anyone around me could tip me over the edge.&nbsp; This was the moment I thought, the one that would break me forever. I got a job the next week, I moved into a new flat and I made contact with the friends that I had shut out in my last year in London before moving home. &nbsp;I don&rsquo;t talk to my old boss anymore, though I wish I could just once to say that I am sorry. &nbsp;I don&rsquo;t talk to the flat mate who I found hanging because I am still not strong enough to offer the help that they need.</p><p>I was lucky that I have a sister who is a trained psychologist because when I eventually spoke to her, it helped so much. &nbsp;I didn&rsquo;t realise that I could tell my family the worst bits of me but I did and they loved me just the same.</p><p>Right now I am working in a very positive environment, I have good people around me and if I dip, then I talk to my family. &nbsp;I still have occasional sessions where I talk to a professional but I am learning to accept that I am who I am. &nbsp;Suffering from depression isn&rsquo;t my shiniest badge of honour but it certainly doesn&rsquo;t hide away in shame.</p><p><img alt="" src="http://www.dominicstevenson.co.uk/userimages/me.jpg" style="margin-left: 20px; margin-right: 20px; margin-top: 20px; margin-bottom: 20px; float: left; width: 300px; height: 225px; " />I now tell people who I work in close quarters with because if you spend seven hours a day with someone then I believe that they should know. &nbsp;It&rsquo;s not contagious but it affects your mood and thus affects working relationships. &nbsp;Honesty makes forgiveness for the nasty things that people can say much easier.</p><p>So far I have not had a bad experience at work after telling people but I am lucky enough to work in healthcare. &nbsp;Not everyone will be so understanding but maybe one day, my story won&rsquo;t be a story, it will be what used to happen.</p><p>It takes a brave person to be honest, I was not brave, I was just lucky that exactly the right people were around me at a time in my life. &nbsp;I would like to think that this was the rule not the exception, maybe, just maybe, one day it will.</p><p>For more about Dominic please visit his website <a href="http://www.dominicstevenson.co.uk">www.dominicstevenson.co.uk</a></p><h2> Relevant articles</h2><p>We hope the following will be of interest to you:</p><div><a href="/depression">Depression</a></div><div><a href="/depression/depression/what-depression.html">What is depression?</a></div><div><a href="/depression/depression/depression-symptoms.html"><font color="#243e90">Depression Symptoms</font></a></div><div><font color="#243e90"><a href="/depression/depression/signs-of-depression.html">Signs of depression</a></font></div><div><a href="/depression/depression/depression-finding-therapist.html"><font color="#243e90">Finding a therapist</font></a><span style="display: none">&nbsp;</span></div>

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